6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Randomize
