just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
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