Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Randomize