I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize