If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
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