Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
