you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
