awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
Randomize
