Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
