Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
