i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Randomize