yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize