life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
