The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
