Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Randomize
