Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Randomize
