The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
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