The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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