I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
