I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
