I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
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