you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
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