Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
