just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Randomize
