I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
