when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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