sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
