R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I need to align my fucking chakras
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