It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Randomize
