don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
