party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
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