My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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