How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
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