unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Randomize
