I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Randomize
