Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
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