i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
