I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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