i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
