12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
