i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Randomize
