what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Randomize
