my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
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