can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
