I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
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