you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Randomize
