Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Randomize
