hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize