It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
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