We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
