Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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