there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Randomize