I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
I FOUND THE LEGS
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
