Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
Randomize
