...so i touched it.
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Randomize
