his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
