Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
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